I struggle. I struggle to get my head in the right place most days. Today is Saturday, and it could be the ridiculous amount of snow we have had in New England this year, but I have been waking up very uninspired and unmotivated. I don’t feel like I am making progress in any way and I am, I guess what I would diagnose as mildly depressed. I have been eating and drinking much more than usual. For the last 15 years I have gone to Florida during this week to visit my parents. This is the first year I didn’t go, as I lost my mom in July. My brother is still there and I could have gone to see him, but I just couldn’t; in the back of my mind somewhere I think I believed my mom was still waiting for me. Although I was right there with her when she crossed, a part of me believed she was still in Florida. Because I only saw her twice a year, I feel I never fully processed her loss. Just last week I received her ashes in the mail from my brother. No explanation, no warning, just a nondescript box that arrived with my mother in it. That forced me to recognize part of what I had been avoiding. Then the week I usually visit came and I think it just threw me over the edge. I’m a believer in feeling feelings, recognizing what is going on within, expressing, feeling and moving forward. But I don’t think I truly recognized this when it came to my mother’s passing because I tried to gloss it over with other issues. Those issues are so much lighter than facing my grief and sadness…. I have been upset all week about other issues. Only today do I realize what is truly happening within me. It took a lot of meditation and self-reflection to get here, today. I finally let myself feel my feelings of grief and sadness, a deep sadness that my mother is not here anymore. She is not waiting for me in Florida. We won’t have dinners, bingo and wine-time chats. I won’t be holding angel card nights for her golden girls. I cannot call her every day. She won’t be giving me her hourly updated weather reports. It hurts and it sucks, but I am feeling it. I cry, and cry some more. My son asks me why I am crying, and I tell him it’s because I am sad that Nana is gone. He says, “But Mommy, you know she is always in your heart, right?” Yes, of course she is, my dear… I know, I get that, I understand, but it’s the thought of not seeing her again that hurts right now. “But Mommy, you can see her in your dreams.” Yes, my wise boy, I can. So I cried, cried some more and then I got up to move through my day feeling lighter, brighter, and closer to my true self than I have in a few weeks.
I believe that life is meant to be enjoyed. We are here for learning, growth, joy, love, understanding compassion…and FUN! I have experienced all of these many times and I like the journey of life. I see it as a movie that I am starring in. If at any moment I do not like the script, I begin to rewrite it. I change my inner thoughts and feelings so that my movie reflects the life I want to be living. This takes work – a lot of conscious work and awareness! But, because I have seen the other side and lived it, I know how amazing it can be. I continue to get up every day and find a better way… to see how I can help myself shift into a better perspective, and how I can feel my feelings and not drown them out with a bottle of wine! We are all given a life and we decide what to make of it. I want mine to be the BEST it can be. I want to enjoy this journey, and when I am not enjoying it, I want to find out how I can. Like anything that is worth it, it takes work. I have learned so many tips, tricks and techniques over the years that have helped me to learn how to shift, that I want to share these with you. I want to share it with anyone who wants to live a different way or see that they can enjoy this life’s journey with ease, grace and living in the flow. It is possible… I have helped myself, and I know I can help you. We all deserve to live our BEST lives… Make your life movie a box office hit!